So I wasn’t going to review the Bachelorette from now until the Meet the Parents or exotic vacation episodes, but ten minutes in, I’m inspired. Not only that, I’m saving my hourly work for this afternoon, and I’m on the floor with the baby on the play mat, tablet propped up on an upside-down feeding pillow, and coffee in hand. Let’s do this! #WAHMlife
We’ll just skip over this DiMario nonsense because it’s forced as hell.
Okay, the tickle monster scores points, because I have personally bought my husband a set of those tiny hands:
Which especially is hilarious because he is 6’3 and has arms longer than any other man you’ll meet.
Next point:
Rubix cube. Okay, I know you’re all trying to pass off the hot coder Russian as some fucking genius who can ALSO hold a conversation with woman because “OMG NERDS TOTALLY CANT KEEP EYE CONTACT AMIRIGHT”.
Look. Let me break it down for you.
Solving ONE side of a rubix cube is NOT a large feat. The entire challenge of a rubix cube is thinking LARGE scale and finishing the ENTIRE cube. One side makes you look narrow of sight and small of mind. Shame on you, producers. At least buy a finished one online and hand it to him for staging.
Rapid fire thoughts until wherever they’re going:
- Kenny bringing up pictures of his daughter this early on, and in the manner he’s doing it, is so adorable. I love when people put all their cards on the table in an honest way, love it or not. It’s so honest and pure in a dating world who’d rather you act unlike yourself and reveal all of your most IMPORTANT things (or what SHOULD be) much later when you’re emotionally invested.
- Who brought a Playskool basketball hoop? Husband material, that’s who.
- Please squash this lucas/blake scenario. It’s shit. I don’t have time for this shit, so I’m going to fast forward over it.
So we finally reach the rose ceremony. Please send both of the chodes (blake/lucas) home. Note, Blake: you’re wrong. If Lucas gets another rose, a piece of EVERYONE dies. The only people watching this who like him are probably 8 year old boys.
YAY THEY BOTH GO HOME!
Sorry for the spoiler. Don’t act like it upset you.
Okay, Blake, your little parting words and pretty unclassy. It’s over. Let it go. You had a shot. You blew it everytime you bitched about him instead of talking about what you had to offer. This is like that point in the night at the bar where some drunk guy gets between them and says “EVERYONE HERE IS HAVING A GREAT TIME EXCEPT YOU”.
I think these guys are secretly best friends in real life. Neither of you are funny. Although props for wokka wokka.
Ellen. I can’t ever say anything bad about Ellen. This never have I ever shit is genius, and I love that it’s barely the focus of this scene.
—– Time passes and she goes on a horsey date ——
That horse did not take a shit on that $40,000 floor. Oh. My. God.
Next scene is every make-out point in every 80’s and 90s movie/high school drama ever. I wish I could tell you who this guy was, he really reminds me of Mr. Clean though. I think it’s the earrings. And the bald head.
———– Bus scene ———–
Is signing up with Bachelor nation like signing up for American Idol where they just own you and make you come back for more shows and ads for whatever they want in the future? Are these girls at least on a retainer?
So thanks, woo girls, this is totally not something to watch when you finally have the baby napping next to you. #annoyed
Men wrestling. You know what, this is nice. It’s nice that the bachelors are finally getting the same treatment of shameless clothing removal and general physical embarrassment the women are usually put up against. So obviously Kenny is going to have an advantage on this date…. but don’t you guys know women always rush to the guy who loses the fight? Will she, indeed, pick the winner in this instance? And omg at those clear rainjackets, they must have been the latest in women’s wear at Nordstom.
How are these fights even being judged? Do you throw someone out of the ring? Do you pin them? Does someone tap out? It’s pretty unclear.
———— Dudes around a campfire ————-
Are they seriously fighting about whether or not someone’s been in love?
——– final scene
A bunch of uninteresting stuff (to me) happens, be real, bla bla bla, stop talking about me, bla bla bla – name one reality show where this dumbass scenario hasn’t been brought up.
lame
