Help.
Men of the world, let me tell you a little bit about the modern woman.
We are strong, we are beautiful, and we can do anything.
This message has been hammered into any woman born after the 1970’s. Especially in the 90’s. All of this “women can have it all!” propaganda and “Girl Power!” united fronts when it comes to having a job AND a life, being fabulous, thin, pretty, well-dressed, a hard worker, able to enjoy a bitchin’ martini and being a great mom who never gets tired of it all.
We are women who have overcome junior high self doubt because no boy wants to “choose” us, we have overcome the bitchy anti-pack mentality that society throws on women, causing us to tear each other apart. We are taught that our bodies are never right, we are taught that one woman’s success means another woman’s failure. We are taught that out of a group of 4 applicants, only 1 can be female, and 3 women will have to fight to be the 1 female while the 3 men who applied all get picked up. And paid more than that 1 woman. We are taught that we better be smart if we aren’t pretty, and we can’t be taken seriously as smart if we are pretty. We are taught that no matter what, cooking and cleaning are up to us. We are taught this, and more often than naught, the message is repeated to us by the men that enter our lives (and then are quickly cast out). We are told we don’t have to change our name when getting married but constantly meet people who have a problem with it. We are reconditioned to doubt ourselves despite being told we can “have it all”. And more importantly, that we can do it all.
We are taught that whatever happens, it’s acceptable to self-medicate: be it coffee or whiskey or Valium. We are reconditioned to think that we need to be thin, even though it is genetically impossible for most women to be the thin we are told to be without drastic intervention on your body. We are told to sit at a desk for 8 – 11 hours a day and somehow get enough exercise to counteract that plus 8 hours of the immobility of sleep.
And still we are told that we can have it all. We are women. Wonder women. Capable women. Women who can have it all – if we just give up things like sleep and basic care of ourselves and anything else that takes more than 5 minutes of attention. We are told that we can apply for any job we want, have any freedom we desire, and then something like “The Handmaid’s Tale” is shoved down our throats and the internet trips out on how this is SO HOW THINGS ARE RIGHT NOW #AMIRIGHT.
Here’s an example. Between 2009 and 2010, the following things happened:
- I was accepted into the Master’s Degree program for Computer Science at Texas State University
- I scored higher on the GRE than my now husband (the guy who got his PhD) in order to get into the program
- I was told by a college adviser for the program, a man, that this was GOING TO BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME. He actually said the words in caps louder and used his hands to further emphasize as if I did not speak English.
- I told the guy I was dating at the time that I got into the program and he laughed, and said, “no really, what program did you get into?”, even though he was an education major who switched to database programming.
- I was one of three girls in first class I took.
- I scored better on the homework than smartass guys around me.
- I applied for a job doing basic IT help desk work (similar to my job at Texas State), and a man called me back to “make sure I was real”. He then said “I don’t think the board will go for it, but I’ll put your name in”.
I have many more examples about sexism in the workplace (one I’m apparently not supposed to discuss since it went to court), this is just the one that resonates with what I am writing. Seriously, I’m just so sick of it. I’m so sick of the public relations that comes with being a woman.
This sort of thing has been on my mind ever since I read this around the 4th of July:
https://qz.com/762868/giving-up-alcohol-opened-my-eyes-to-the-infuriating-truth-about-why-women-drink/
Let me sum up my favorite part of this piece:
The magazines telling me strong is the new sexy and smart is the new beautiful, as though strong and smart are just paths to hot. The Facebook memes: muscles are beautiful. No, wait: fat is beautiful. No, wait: thin is beautiful, too, as long as you don’t work for it. No, wait: All women are beautiful! As though we are toddlers who must be given exactly equal shares of princess dust, or we’ll lose our shit.
And then I start to get angry at women, too. Not for being born wrong, or for failing to dismantle a thousand years of patriarchy on my personal timetable. But for being so easily mollified by a bottle. For thinking that the right to get as trashed as a man means anything but the right to be as useless.
We can’t afford to live lives we have to fool our own central nervous systems into tolerating. But who said anything about fairness? This isn’t about what’s fair. It’s about what we can afford. And we can’t afford this. We can’t afford to pretend it’s fine that everything we do or think or wear or say yes or no to is somehow wrong. We can’t afford to act like it’s okay that “Girls can do anything!” got translated somewhere along the line into “Women must do everything.” We can’t afford to live lives we have to fool our own central nervous systems into tolerating.
We can’t afford to be 24-hour women.
So basically the opinion piece makes a bunch of connections between self-medicating and putting up with less because we feel overburdened as women. You know. All that shit that we’re perfectly equipped to handle. But – I am a woman – I can do anything, handle anything, take on anything, chew up and spit out anything. How could I be in this position, that I would ever need to ask for help?
Well, dear, loving, well-meaning husband of mine: This is why I have such a difficult time asking you for help. Because I am convinced I shouldn’t have to. Because I have seen my share of the shitshow and I know I got this.
Even when the baby doesn’t sleep, when I sacrifice everything I can (because it’s so easy to do), so everyone else gets what they need. When I forget to feed myself or bathe myself or generally go without if it means I can get ahead in my business or make your life easier, I do it. I do it because putting myself last is easier than asking you for help.
So fellas – if you see something that could make your wife’s life easier, just do it. Don’t make her have to make the decision to say “yes, please”, don’t make her ask you for help. Just do it.