It’s 10:30, about an hour past my usual bedtime. I’m up late, trying to catch up on some work – but all of my Pandora shuffle wants to do is zap me back to college. Shuffle in memories, shuffle in heartbreak, shuffle in all the times my girls had my back, shuffle in loneliness, shuffle in staying up too late, shuffle in laughing, shuffle in the beginning of social media and how facebook was the party forum that somehow helped us with our homework.
These are the same songs I’d be listening to at about 4 a.m. when I forgot I had to build a website for class, so the natural thing to do was crack open a 6 pack of whatever shit clear malted beverage bitch beer I preferred at the time at 8 p.m. and sit at my computer until turning it in at 10 a.m. the next day. Aching to be loved, wondering what the next Thursday night was going to bring me – maybe someone to sweep me off my feet.
These are the songs I would cling to when I didn’t think I could study any more, that got me through all the nights that I knew I had to breathe in deeply and try never to forget. The songs that got me through all the rejections, and all the “thanks for the fun but let’s never talk to each other again” conversations. The beginning of the ghosting and the digital rejection that would plague us as adults. The times I felt I had to be “nice” as to not scare off the dude I was after that month.
The comfortable guys that would often find their way back to me, and then slowly drift out again.
Back when I was clueless. Young and stupid.
These are the songs that in no way prepared me for the economic letdown that taught me to never trust that a job would always be there. They in no way prepared me for the gender wage gap, for fucking incompetent management, for ridiculous bureaucracy, for jobs I would regrettably accept but turned out to really benefit me – for feeling like work and life and love would be constant uphill battles that yielded such, such, SUCH important lessons. For floundering. For flying. For drinking and crying.
More importantly: where I was headed, man or no man. I had no idea it’d lead me to owning my business and working from home.
I had to stop there and pour a glass of whiskey and just stop. Just stop, and give myself a little credit. I’ve come a long fucking way from the girl I was when I listened to these songs. What once was a rebellious, sarcastic young woman with a thirst for new adventure is now a strong, opinionated, professional with emotional boundaries and healthy outlook on life.
I sit here and think about my adoring husband (as fucking annoying as he can be sometimes), and my way cute baby boy. And how things actually worked out for me. I still can’t believe it sometimes.
I never thought I’d be happily married.
I doubly never thought I’d have a spouse who was a good partner in parenting.
I have everything I never knew I deserved. And yes, many, many times it all piles up – the laundry, the projects, the constant need to stay on the feed/nap schedule, the lack of sleep, the need to vacuum, the fact that we never went for that walk…
Thanks for the feels: Michelle, Avril, Miranda, Lilly, Kate, .
