90 Things I Learned in My 20's

This is a follow-up to my high school senior essay, 100 things I REALLY learned in high school

Disclaimer: this is written from the viewpoint of a very independent, perpetually single, offbeat heterosexual, some would refer to as privileged (although if you are truly privileged, you’ve probably never collected unemployment – like I have), caucasian woman living in Texas. I never claimed to have the answers for everyone.

Never ever ever put anything in writing into an internet browser you would not feel comfortable being read on the 5 o’clock news – unless you own the server, hard drive, and network it’s being published to. Big brother is real, and you’d be surprised how quick facebook and the like will roll over on you if the cops ask.
Amazon Prime. Get it. Use it. Love it.
If you want to end up in a creative field, that’s fine – but learn some technical skills along the way that could align to what you’re doing. I had a professor in college tell me that I needed to be prepared to produce anything. His example was that, as employees in a journalism environment, we will need to get the story, to write the story, to edit the story, to film the story, to anchor the story, and to publish it on the web – and this was well before the instant microblogging of twitter, instagram, and the like. If you can’t do most or all of those things – someone else out there will have the skillset to do so. Always be prepared (also learn some basic coding and server administration).
Do not compare your success to your friends’ success. Just do not do it.
Ditch cable. It’s useless.
If a bar is charging more than $4 for wells drinks, get out of there. Just leave. You can sell a well drink for 75 cents and still turn a profit.
You are going to work for someone who will hire you because you know what you’re doing. You are going to try to be managed by that same person who has no idea what you are doing, how you are doing it, or how long it truly takes to make that product. If you try to explain things to them, they’re going to get insulted because they’re the boss and they should know better. This is really going to bother you – and you may even leave your job over it. Multiple times.
You will make some mistakes. You will. Just because you survived your teens doesn’t mean you have it all together.
Don’t sign up for the company dodgeball team expecting to be on an even level with other people who sit at a desk all day. All those mean kids on the playground who used to fucking own in newcomb/dodgeball/whatever? Yeah. They all work at a garage now, and they probably had to have tryouts to make the garage team. Yes, you will face them. Yes, you are going down.
Dating is horrible. Dating is awful. Dating is a necessary evil. The only silver lining is that once you find a good one, you will truly appreciate them after filtering through the absolute shit. It’s not easy, but you should absolutely keep your head up if a significant other is something you want in your life.
Two people you should absolutely chat up and befriend at work: the IT department and the custodians.
You can work with someone who you think is really smart, but changing their wallpaper when they leave the room is a great way to convince them they have a computer virus.
Holiday weekends are not the time that you want to go tubing, unless you thoroughly enjoy this thing called “people soup”.
Learn what being “house poor” is, and know your financial limits. Listen to Dave Ramsey’s show. It’s free, online. He also has books if that’s more your thing. The point is – learn something about money besides fluff books like “Prince Charming Isn’t Coming” that are just to “create awareness about money knowledge”. Don’t accumulate a bad debt-to-income ratio (google that, too, if you don’t know what it is).
You will get one of two reactions when you come home from college/out of town: people who are genuinely happy to see you, or people who want to talk to you because they’ve heard some rumor that you were selling drugs or failed out or something. Both of these are a bit awkward now because everyone’s life is online.
Don’t date any lawyers. They either 1) Are too tired to argue with you or 2) are way better at arguing than you are.
Your mind will go out of it’s way to protect you. It will make up excuses on behalf of people, it will make you doubt yourself or others. It will make you ignore red flags and warning signs for the closest people in your life, dismissing it as a fluke rather than an actual occurrence. This can slowly creep up for years and evolve into a major problem – and you won’t even see it happening! Sometimes situations just aren’t going to work, and you need to be honest enough with yourself to walk away from said situations. Unfortunately this can only be learned the hard way, and is the very definition of “hindsight is 20/20”.
If you don’t get enough sleep, you can reach a point of delirium we refer to as “sleep drunk.” On the other hand, you can also mix some coffee grounds into melted chocolate and not sleep more than a nap for the next three days. The only time I tried this was during mid-terms in college, and I really think it’s the reason I passed that spring semester.
You cannot keep dating someone just because you like their friends. It’s going to end badly.
People from small towns are entertained by very little. Oftentimes all you need is each other. I could never really, truly get along with people from bigger towns with trust funds.
After graduation, you will probably make out with someone you went to school with and never thought about dating and be subsequently super confused about the entire thing, because navigating the dating world as an adult is so weird. You never know who’s ready to get married or who’s just playing around; and everyone has a different measurement of what constitutes a relationship, how long you should date before getting engaged, getting married at all – I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.
No man is ever too old to get dragged out of a restaurant by his ear for saying something inappropriate. Especially if you are taller than he is.
Throw a fake bachelorette party (if you’re a lady, anyway, it just turns out better). Do it on a weekend where there’s apt to be other bachelorette parties (see: early summer) who will share the free drinks. All you need is a sash and a fake $12 ring from the mall (and some friends, of course). And a honeymoon location. And maybe a wedding date. If you slip up, just point at something else.
Teachers drink. A LOT.
You will stumble upon and revisit music you enjoyed in your early 20s at some point in your late 20s, and you will feel shame. So. Much. Shame.
Good tattoos are not cheap, and cheap tattoos are not good. No, I did not learn that the hard way. Tip your tattoo artist.
When you are a single out in public, at a bar, at the store, whatever – it is not your responsibility to “check for a wedding ring” if anyone approaches you. Fake rings are easily acquired and real rings are easily taken off the finger. Actions are stronger than words.
You will attend some weddings that will end in divorce in under five years.
While you are working, your employer is paying – on your behalf – into the unemployment pot. Unemployment is not a charitable handout. Repeat: unemployment is not charity. You get funds based on your previous salary and length of time earning that salary. It’s totally okay to apply for and collect unemployment, especially when you move across town and get an apartment (and a Cadillac) next to a job that legitimately lets you down because of their own mismanagement. Right as the economy comes crashing down all around you. It’s also okay if you have to pull out all said unemployment funds from Chase bank and drive all the way to your bank that won’t do transfers from Chase bank, the only bank unemployment works(worked) with, because that’s the only way you can get the cash to pay your bills. Just lock your doors and pray that’s not the day you get carjacked in Houston.
Running too much can and will give you a stress fracture.
Misdirection is a very powerful way to communicate. Also silence. Being silent is the quickest way to get off the phone (besides hanging up).
Don’t expect people to be there for you in the same way you were there for them. I know people who won’t even give a facebook-like to the new infant photo of someone who’s wedding they were in a decade ago. Isn’t that weird? The best thing you can do is take certain life events at face value, in that point in time. I have NEVER understood this, I have just witnessed it on a third-person and first-person scale. Try not to lose friendships over them.
You are going to meet a lot of stupid people (like, way more than you have already met). Stupid people who are careless and are candidates for arrest. For this reason, you should only go out on the town (or on road trips, or in on a lease) with people whom you trust with your life.
Get some sleep.
There will be people in the open dating pool and who roam out in public that are still married but thinking of getting a divorce, separated but will tell you they’re divorced, don’t wear their wedding ring because they’re just testing the open market of dateable people, and a lot of other really weird twisted behavior. Beware of these people and never trust anyone you meet at a bar (mutual friends of your friends that happen to come to the same bar need not apply to this one).
If someone doesn’t feign or reciprocate attraction to you, it is probably for 80 out of 100 reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you. It is a summation of their life experiences and tunnel vision (especially if their head’s up their ass).
You would think that by your 20s, people will no longer let you down or make dumb enough decisions with their life that you have to cancel the friendship – well, you’d be wrong. This is going to happen from time to time.
If someone is trying to change something about you, it’s probably for a similar reason.
Second point to that, don’t ever change for anyone.
If you are feeling down or depressed or lifeless or at the end of your rope – GO SKYDIVING. Do it now before you have kids who depend on you to be alive. I promise the scariest part is the paperwork. Well, maybe almost as scary as when your instructor launches the both of you BACKWARDS out of the airplane with little warning like my first time. Go to a bar and take a victory shot of whiskey right after – you’ll be riding adrenaline so high, you won’t even be able to taste the liquor. Seriously, go just for the epic beard and tiny cactus featured in the safety video for each tandem skydiving briefer.
There are so many discount and deals websites online that you can practically live for free. Sure, some of your major purchases are refurbs, but what else are you supposed to do when you’re just starting out? Slickdeals.net literally changed my life.
If you ever find yourself in a Carrie and Mr. Big situation – RUN. If your friend is telling you stories about how similar the relationship is to theirs, stop them, and point it out.
Never rent for more than $1 per square foot. If you can afford it, get your own apartment. This may be the only time you can do it. Living alone makes you a way better spouse.
Be aware of student debt you’re accumulating and really use that as a determining factor for getting any graduate degree. The only financial aid at that point is “loans”. “Loans” ARE NOT financial “aid”. They are a money-making model for someone else. After graduating with my bachelors, and earning a bunch of web programming certificates from ACC, I started a grad school program in computer science at Texas State University. I realized that the return on investment for grad school (it was heading up to be $50k-$80k or more)(According to FinAid.org, the average cost of master’s degree for students is between $30,000 and $120,000.) was simply not going to be worth it – ever, so I dropped out and got a dog. I have never once regretted that decision. Besides – the skills I needed are all on the internet now.
YouTube has a tutorial for just about ANYTHING.
So this is something I more or less noticed from others: It’s not healthy to jump from one relationship to another. You’re asking with a lot more stress than you need, and breakups tend to always be stressful. Take some time to yourself. Take care of yourself. There’s nothing wrong with taking your time. If you’re doing that because you can’t stand to be alone with yourself, you have way bigger problems than just finding your next mate.
Don’t move in with someone you’re in a relationship with unless you’ve genuinely, openly and honestly discussed getting married and are ready to enter the “let’s see if we can stand each other” trial period. This is not something to jump into. Breaking up with someone you live with is incredibly hard, and people use marriages and children and all sorts of other band-aids to try to distract themselves from the fact that they just don’t belong together.
You will quit every job you ever start. If turning in your resignation makes you so nervous that you delay approaching your boss with the news, consider printing it on a cake or something. Word will get around so quickly that you brought a resignation cake that you won’t even have to do the dirty deed of telling people goodbye; they’ll drop by for cake and they’ll just know. Also, I hope you never work for a boss that wants to “bear hug” you goodbye if you are genuinely unhappy working with them. *cringes
The two summers after you graduate high school, the summer before you graduate college, and the two years after will yield a complete rash of weddings. Always say something nice and meaningful to a bride and groom on their wedding day. It may be the last time you ever see them.
A lot of people will come into your life and it will be painfully obvious that they have been not been challenged to think. At all. Some of them can’t even calculate 10% of a dollar amount.
Stop ‘should’ing all over yourself. Omit “Ummm”, “just”, and “actually” from your vocabulary. You’re stronger and better than to just fill air with a noise while you gather your next thought.
Learn to shoot a shotgun, and own one or two. The beauty in a shotgun is that you don’t really have to aim it.
Take some time every once in awhile to turn off facebook/social media. Like, completely log out and don’t look at it for a couple of days. Bonus: holy crap you’re popular, look at all 30 of these notifications upon login.
The more comfortable you are at home, the rate of which you go out to the bars and to movies and stuff will decrease. Tack on a financial goal and your “I just got paid, let’s hit the bar!” will turn very quickly into “Fuck that, let’s sit at home with $6 wine”.
Someone out there is looking for you, someone who just happens to love everything you think is a flaw about yourself. It honestly will make you realize why it never worked out with any of those others. I know what you’re thinking, how could someone possibly love your flaws? Well, they do.
If you haven’t already, learn to accept a compliment. Brushing it off or immediately trying to condescend yourself comes off as rude; even if you think you are just being humble.
Under the right circumstances, you could fall in love with just about anyone.
You are never too old for cake batter ice cream or rainbow sprinkles or gummy bears or silly pajamas or putt putt or go carts or the zoo. Always be young at heart.
Learn to cook. Learn to cook well. Learn the basic sauces. Produce terminals and some (read: SOME) farmer’s markets have better produce prices than the grocery store. Just get a copy of the Joy of Cooking. If someone cooks something for you, always ask for seconds. Go on a temporary, incredibly strict diet with no dairy, processed carbs, or sugar – it will really make you appreciate food and look at it in new ways. Get a crock pot if you work 40 hours a week, but only with removable stoneware. Learn the five mother sauces. What are those, you ask?
If you are perpetually single for years and years and then get into a relationship, you will probably lose a friend (who’s been in several relationships during all that time) because it’s their time to be single. I don’t know why.
Brunch and air conditioning are two of mankinds greatest ideas.
Society pits women against each other. Just sit there and let that marinate.
Never pay more than $15 for your car inspection. If anyone suggests otherwise or demands you change out something ridiculous and petty, get in your car and drive away immediately.
It is better to be a good person and not thin than a shitty person but a thin person.
Skip an occasional class in college. Years later you’re going to look up from your 40 hour a week job, count your miniscule PTO hours, and wish you had.
If you’re dating more than one person at the same time, don’t tell them about each other. If you can’t decide between them, it means you don’t want either. Cut them loose.
Being fall-down drunk in the bar is cute at 22, it is not so cute at 29 or 32.
The Quarter Life Crisis is a real thing. Rally your friends when it hits. They will be your greatest resource and asset during that time. My friends and skydiving are the only things that got me through my quarter life crisis – well, that and listening to “Heart of Life” by John Mayer about 5,000,000 times.
Don’t give your sister a piggy-back ride on the walk back from the bar if you’ve never tried it sober.
Some women actually go to college for no other reason than find a husband. The jury is still out on whether this is genius or terrible. I hate that it matters; but it is absolutely still a business transaction of matters. Lifestyle, marketability, contribution to the home, and more are dangerously coupled with the fact that the gender wage gap still exists; and that maternity leave always seems to be a determining factor when someone is of their child bearing years. It turns out just like everything else in this life – a total crapshoot, even if you’ve taken every step and decision and plan into incredible consideration.
The gender wage gap IS REAL, Y’ALL. Always be prepared to negotiate. Texas Tribune has an online database of all state workers if you want to explore gaps by state department. Some departments have major discrepancies that others don’t.
Always use caution when dating online. People lie about their height, the state of their teeth, their line of work – sometimes their entire history. Some are just trying to get laid. Some are just trying to score a free meal. Always agree to make these initial meetings at a place you’re happy to say goodbye to; as you may have to in the case of fallout. And always in public. And leave their phone number written down on your counter in case you get murdered. Let them know that ahead of time – a good person will understand and be impressed how well you take care of yourself.
If you are planning to take pictures at all during a bachelorette party, please ask the bride what you should and should not take pictures of. I’ve witnessed the same vile act at The Aquarium in Austin regarding the bride and maid of honor performing a certain act, which has received mixed bride reactions of “THERE BETTER BE NO PICTURES OF THIS” and “WHY AREN’T YOU TAKING PICTURES”. This is a great thing to discuss during the pre-outing dinner; since everyone has a phone with a camera, everyone will be on the same page.
If you know someone who lost someone very close to them, something you can bring them besides food is stamps for all the follow-up mail they’ll have to produce.
Do community service with others. I met some of my best friends, roommates, major influencers on my life doing community service.
Use work conferences as a way to practice traveling alone on the company dime. Leave your last session early, get a local map from the hotel concierge and go explore. Use your phone only for taking pictures and a backup map in case you get lost. This is a great way to decide where you never want to live, or make notes of places to return with loved ones.
Don’t quit a job without having one lined up.
If you were in a terrible job for under a year, and don’t plan to ask them for a recommendation, you can walk out on it without two weeks notice and NOTHING bad will happen to you. Don’t include them on your resume.
Don’t leave anything on your car seat (read: in plain sight) that can be sold, traded, or used. Even if your residence has a security guard and a gate. When I learned this, eleven or twelve other cars in my apartment complex got broken into, and I’m pretty sure the security guard got part of the cut. On the bright side, criminals are so stupid – they took my backpack, dumped out hundreds of dollars of college books, and stole my not-so-many hundreds of dollars stereo system.
Human resources are not there to serve you. They are there to protect the company. By the way – I also learned that you are more hireable as a married woman than a single woman; because married women “are more stable”. I really think that’s a load of shit, but, that’s what I got two women in human resource positions to tell me.
Book clubs really are drinking clubs.
Go on all the road trips you are offered in your early to mid-20s. Learn to survive a long weekend out of an overnight bag. One day you’re going to wake up and be way too tired to continue, and you’re going to be way more comfortable and content on your couch with a glass of wine to move or care.
You may have a moment where you honestly think you’ll never meet anyone. And you might not! You might never get married. Guess what – that’s totally fine. You might not even want kids – that’s totally fine, too!
With a little creativity, you can sleep eight or nine of your friends in your one bedroom apartment overlooking the river.
You are absolutely going to die someday. Spend an afternoon by yourself thinking about this.
Excessive sleep is a sign of depression.
Your car is a great place to hide.
Find something besides your commute or your boring desk job to talk about at social events. Learn to sew or carve. Read something. Do not turn into a driveling idiot repeating the same idioms and cliches you hear everywhere else. You are better and more interesting than to fall into that trap. A good way out of this is to document a photo a day, forcing you to find the interesting, even when you are trying to hide your current town and situation from facebookworld.
Once you survive your early 20s, no amount of money could be paid to make you relive that.
Always love yourself; because most people won’t.