Fingers Crossed…

So I guess it’s safe to say my long-winded attempts at Austin should be retired. 

After looking for a couple of months in 2007, and desperately searching between February 2009 up until the present; it’s time I give up on the thought that I will be able to snag a gig in Austin with my current education and experience.  I had two interviews in 2007, both of which I turned out to be under qualified for, and three or four interviews between February 2007 and the present in which I was beat out each time by someone with their Master’s… One position in which has been reopened.  Very infuriating.  Weird, considering I got a dozen or so interviews in Houston in a six month period…

So now I’m at that inevitable point in my life where I need to sit right down and write myself a letter. WTF am I doing with my life.  What have I gotten done in the past year. Where do I see myself a year from now.

…What have I gotten done the past year?  I’ve completely failed at finding a job in Austin.  I have completely dropped the ball and my heart can’t stop kicking my head around, bullying it when it responds back, “dude, look at the economy, you HAVE a job, you should be thankful.”  I’ve punished myself repeatedly for taking a job in Gonzales under false pretenses as to where my life was going.  Okay, well, that and my unemployment ran out; I was pretty much running out of options.  I’ve given out half a paycheck for a wonderful apartment I can only see half the time because I can’t afford the gas to go there every night (plus that would be kind of exhausting).  I’ve also totally and completely failed at trying to establish another relationship through a myriad of errors, plenty of bullshit to go around, and just trying to explain my situation in life seems to be a huge clusterfuck to whatever ears it falls on.

…What I HAVE done is part in two running events and I am one class away from completing a webmaster certificate which has NOT resulted in a new job as I was originally hoping.  I’ve taken the GRE and applied to grad school.  I now have to sit here and wait to see where my next move is.

Basically I am down to two options:
1. Attend Texas State University for the graduate program I applied for and rally to get transferred to the Seguin office of my current job (where it actually sounds like I’d get a promotion come January), or remain working in the Gonzales office, and begin to rent an efficiency-sized apartment and finally be able to sleep in the same place for most of a week again. 
2. Figure out with my sister what we are going to do come apartment-lease ending time in September (sad).  Which might mean moving home and then applying the hell all over the country to get a new job to get me the hell out of Gonzales.  Again.

(3. Say fuck it and join the Peace Corps??)

Option 2 depresses me.  Like if that happens I seriously have to fully use the EAP at work and start seeing a shrink or I’m seriously going to get really fat or become an alcoholic/drug addict (okay, maybe not really).

Part of me is excited.
Part of me is scared.
 
The excited part of me desperately wants to leap out of my ribcage, do all this crazy research on where I’d move to in San Marcos, where I would study, download running trail maps like a boss and study the hell, sign up for the half marathon and warrior dash knowing full well where I will be in the next six months, at least.  The excited part of me wants to reassure myself that I’m smart enough to get through this more advanced technical program than I’m used to.  The excited part of me thinks “This is it.  You are finally able to move on with your life.  Officially.  A new place, a new chapter, not just some idiot working stiff who’s being royally and officially dicked over at work and by all they’ve dated so far.”  The excited part of me says “Dude, it’s Texas State. You are so money”. 

The scared ‘Career-PTSD’ part of me says “Hey dumbass, remember when you scored 50 or 60 points lower than their ‘preferred’ score on the GRE?  I mean, no promises of you getting in, I mean, it IS a Master’s program and your undergrad basically spells out that you don’t belong there…Oh, and you’re NOT that lucky, and things like this just don’t happen to you, so just start figuring out how to move all your shit back to Gonzales right now.  Because you and I both know the highest you’re going to get in life is to pay off your car, you’re never going to meet anyone to marry, and you’re just going to rot away into some wasted oblivion and not amount to anything.”

(My head never tells me these things…. Why does my heart insist on the negative?!! No wonder I don’t believe in the whimsical, emotional aspects of life… My heart must be black.)

Honestly, at this point, I would give almost anything to walk into an apartment and know that this is where I am going to be for three years or so.  This is something I know I can commit to, this is a life choice I feel comfortable with. The instability of trying to find a new job and being stuck in two different places has really taken a toll on my stress levels this year.  Please, God, don’t make me go to the shrink… I’ve seriously been trying to avoid that option for over a year now…