This song came on one of my holiday Pandora stations recently. I guess its become a Christmas song. To me, it was a song I played incessantly on loop the January after its release, when winter was upon us and the coldness of living was heavily weighed on my heart and my spirit. I was helplessly withdrawn when I wasn’t visiting a friend on the weekend or trying to stay distracted over Google Chat with college colleagues. It was the second lowest point in my life, followed only by the summer where I lost several family members, family friends, and the home I grew up in.
There were some days I didn’t think it would ever get better (even though this song promised I’d feel summer warmth again). I fantasized about having to go on FMLA leave on the days that I wasn’t crying on my way to work. Or putting in extra hours after work just to keep myself focused on anything but where I was at. I wasn’t alone, either. I had friends going through the same thing; all in our budding adulthood years after college. Mistakenly stable long-term relationships that crumbled beneath us. Jobs we took that we hated; but needed to get by after the economy crashed and we had no strong resumes to stand on. Leases we were forced to break out of life upheavals. Having mixed drinks about feelings whenever we damn well pleased; which was often. I had another blog back then, called “How Did I Get Here?” – another practiced placebo.
It was all also such a grand learning experience. I made new friends. I went skydiving. I hit the road every chance I could to reconnect with people. I took classes in web programming. I started dating again – and I have so many entertaining stories to tell about those days. Hell I even gave a shot at trying to make it in Austin (turns out that’s pretty challenging, too).
Now I listen to this song and search myself for any remnants of those feelings. I remember them in a superficial and intangible way; the scars have been filled. Where a deep gash was in my soul, now only remains a small, topical scar. Something I remember that was a part of my life, not a defining sentence.
I consider myself so eternally lucky to have been able to move past that time in my life, that I was headstrong and kept my focus to the future. Even during it I knew it was temporary, and lovingly referred to it as my Quarter-Life Crisis. A lot of people, where I come from, are too rattled from those experience and boomerang back to our hometown to never escape again. And I’m sure that works out great for them, but it was never for me.
And even more good news; the people I referred to earlier have all come out on top. Married with kids, gainfully successful and toying, all at least, if not implementing, starting our own businesses. The phrase “it gets better” is so very true, and I hope any of you reading this who needs to hear it, hear it now. It will get better. Just keep that nose the grindstone. Keep moving forward. This time is only for now. It is not forever. Whatever you need to do – blast Wilson Phillips, meet a friend for breakfast, find anything for a distraction – grab it on and hold on until this storm passes. Like all things, this all will pass. Maybe even more quickly than you expect.
I love winter now. I love the cold and snuggling up under a blanket, or enjoying the perfect flavored latte… It’s my husband’s and my favorite time of the year. It’s when we met. Thanks to insane and freak Texas weather, it’s when we got married. And in 2017, depending on the same freak Texas weather, it’s possible we’ll be bringing home our first son in the same weather.
