Today’s Mantra: “It’s elevating and humbling at the same time. Running along a beach at sunrise with no other footprints in the sand, you realize the vastness of creation, your own insignificant space in the plan, how tiny you really are, your own creatureliness and how much you owe to the supreme body, the God that brought all this beauty and harmony into being.” ~ Sister Marion Irvine
Yes. This is what I want to be someday. On a beach, at sunrise, with no one else around, with the wind just uncomfortably cold.
So, all of my running resources and training schedules are encouraging me to keep a journal about my running/training etc. Awesome. What am I supposed to do with that – go all OCD and count each step I take? I’ve already written a FB note requesting from peers about what are the best songs to run to. And c’mon. I’m only running four miles in May.
Well here goes nothing. I’m running the Beach to Bay Relay in Corpus Christi in May. 6 people on one team, 4 miles each. This should be fine. Up until about May last year I was running 3 or so miles about three times a week anyway. Unfortunately summer became entirely too fun and I replaced my Saturday morning runs with tubing. And beer. And tacos. And stuff. At this point in time I’ve also like to point out I’ve had a very love/hate relationship with weight loss and exercise – most namely running. Twice in my life I’ve gone through some severe, short term weight loss but never had I really set out on some sort of physical routine because I was convinced it was too difficult. Ah, how hindsight is 20/20. And both of those weight losses came out of self-hatred. I thought if I lost weight I’d be better, happier, luckier with the opposite sex… No? Not so much. Not at all.
This time last year it was easy to run. My life had been turned upside down with location/life changes and just bad cards being dealt in my career. I felt like I couldn’t catch a break. I also was freaking out because I woke up and found myself in Gonzales again, somewhere I swore I’d never return to except for maybe some holidays. I had a lot of anger and confusion by letting idiots tell me I wasn’t good enough for the past three years or so. I had also lost a dramatic amount of weight during a small time – and for who! Certainly not myself. I was taking about 2 or 3 Stresstabs a day and really watching what I ate out of fear of some sugar/junk food induced meltdown. I didn’t drink for a couple of months, fearing I would become too upset. I let someone buy my dinner a handful of times of which I was way out of their league, and I knew it. I was using it to validate my self worthlessness… Or to prove something to myself… Or something. Whatever it was, I knew it was not going to last long.
I was confused. Running was the answer. Actually, looking back, it was really just the only thing keeping myself from falling apart. Bla bla bla, I am going to blame others for my shortcomings and pain, bla bla bla… Pyschobabble “Elementary school PE teachers made me feel like I wasn’t good enough because I wasn’t Stacey Spring, bla bla bla”… Okay, done with and over, I’m a little too old to be feeling sorry for myself.
Well, that’s not why I want to run now. I’m done with all of that. It really is about me now. Not someone else, not some guy I haven’t met, not some guy I’ve met’s mother, no. Now I want to run because I’m nearing the end of my Webmaster Certification and I need a new challenge. I can’t concentrate on anything more than half an hour. In my car with my iPod, I am so desperate to see what song is next that I rarely ever finish a song. This must drive my iTunes crazy when it tries to count up “most played”. I don’t know what to get my Master’s in, and I figure I better learn to concentrate on something long term before I try to tackle a Master’s. If I get a Master’s, I need to get it in something technical otherwise the salary difference may not be very significant. Which means my focus level needs to come up, which means running a marathon would be good practice for that. I sometimes regret my major, even though I went in with the best intentions. This, and my need to party and socialize overtook my desire for a credible, technical major that would make me the smarts and the moneys in college.
Interesting chain of logical conclusions? Sound crazy? Yes. I’m pretty crazy anyway if you haven’t figured it out by now.
Okay, Beach to Bay Relay is not a marathon. Or half marathon. It’s like half a half marathon. Have to start somewhere right? Anyway, I’ve planned out my training/cross training schedule. It all seems pretty well put together, but I am expecting a small hiatus in April… Because… Well… something a little more important might be going on…
