The Bachelorette: Hatewatching Everyone but Rachel

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This is a recap that was written as the show was going on, and is in the order of the show’s progression.

3:24: We’re going to skip over all the non-interesting market footage because Rachel is undoubtedly the most respectable and interesting Bachelorette, ever – and not just because I fell in love with her wearing a penguin onesie on national tv. I refuse to believe she “was so in love” with Nick. No one (with a personality) could (ever) love Nick. He has the personality of a wet noodle with a junior higher’s sense of humor. I’m pretty sure he sent her home during his turn because her parents scared the shit out of him (rightfully so, their daughter deserves SO much better).

4:50: WHOA, are they letting her bring… HER DOG in to the mansion?? This truly is a revolutionary season. Also, she wants one of these guys to propose to her – can she PLEASE be the first bachelorette who does the proposing? She could SO do it. But if that’s not what she wants, that’s fine too. Feminism is about choice, after all.

6:45: First up, a bitchy review of the usual “interesting now but easily forgettable until Meet the Parents” guys:

6:45: Kenny: A professional wrestler who amazingly seems like a normal person and not some meth head steroid taking wacko from West Virginia.

7:34: Jack: Lawyer #1 with a pretty sad story. And a cute dog! 😀

8:22: Alex: A guy who can barely hold up the ridiculously heavy weights he’s decided to shakingly lift in from of America. OH BUT HE’S A HUGE NERD LMAO ZOMG. But wait, look at him with his parents! Okay this scene is pretty adorable. And his mom definitely drinks vodka and shouts at the Bachelor shows about how stupid everyone on there is.

Mo: A start up owner/product manager. Let’s hope it’s something that contributes to society and not something like that weird poop harness that sits under a dog’s tail. Either way, so far the careers on these contestants are top notch.

10:05: Whatever your name is. Go fuck yourself. You must be an improv character trying to land a show; but you have miserably failed at pulling off the same mission that Paul Reubens did when he scored the Pee Wee Herman show (which is still amazing to this day) (do you see what I did there) (everything is so fucking #amazing on the these bachelor/bachelorette shows).

Next guy: XXX (wow, earmuffs, kids)

Diggy: Diggy has the swag. And a dog. Loving those glasses.

Josiah: Lawyer #2 with an even more tragic story. My heart really goes out to this guy. I’m glad he was able to find some support in the legal system from such a young age, very often the opposite is true.

16:45: [Enters scene of the past bachelor contestants]

Raven – you could not look any less excited about saying this is “so exciting”.

Corinne: Aw man you’re friends with these heifers now? You were supposed to be the sassy champagne sipper who gave no damns.

[Enters limo scene]

“I hope she ready” – homeboy you better get your grammar right. This woman went through at least 7 years of post high school education, the least you can do is be present with a proper sentence.

[Boring Chris Harrison scene]

Josiah – damn son, that jacket is fucking DAPPER. And “See you later litigator”, how cute is this guy. I don’t know though… CAN a prosecutor and a defender live happily ever after? I feel like the cards are against them.

Brian: “I’m Columbian trouble”.

Kenny: That dance move was cute. He gets her authenticity.

Will: I was a little scared when you came out as Steve Urkel, but that costume change totally made up for it.

[Some other scenes happen and the next limo comes up]

Dean: All I can say is…

I keep waiting for someone to go true Stanley-Hudson-style yelling at this fool. This is 2017, who really briefed you on the fact that it was okay to say “Ready to go black and never come back”? You have reduced this woman to a single trait of hers, and you clearly see nothing of what she has to offer as a girlfriend, wife, mother to your children, and business partner in life. Go fuck yourself. (Rachel was a gracious acceptor, so she’s still a class act) (and no, this fool doesn’t have a leg up after that shitty display)(also, is he stuffing socks?).

[Band comes marching in and we meet the sex obsessed personal trainer again]

Oh, shit. My bad, I really though that by “aspiring drummer”, some beach trash with blonde dreadlocks was going to show up high and talk about how he’s in between jobs and this is better than trying to find a band to play with on Craigslist.

FRED! I love that name. Also, he went to elementary school with Rachel. That’s adorable. I also LOVE that Rachel remembers him, all while Nick couldn’t even remember a woman HE SLEPT WITH the year prior.

I have to say – this is the most well-dressed row of bachelors ever. And they all have classy drinkware!

Okay. The tickle monster. What’s your real job – I’m guessing you’re another improv actor.

Some forgettable country singer: oh go home. You wrote her a song with a pop singer reference. No one wants to hear your dumb twangy hackjob. And for having a guitar, I sure can’t hear any of it – wait a minute… *rewinds…are you even really playing that?

Guy with a vacuum: wait, that’s all the nerdy, cute Russian with the funny mom could come up with?

Guy with a 10 Year Old rubber bracelet: Really? You’re in a suit.

Guy with a doll: 😐 your fucking sleeves are too far out.

Guy in a penguin costume: Decent move considering her penguin onesie and her sense of humor. Good on you, penguin guy.

Grant: When you came out of that ambulance in a suit, I thought you were going to introduce yourself as one of those lawyers who chase ambulances.

Is it weird that they put “Jack Stone” instead of just “Jack” for one of the lawyers?

Mo letting her know she’s going to have the upper hand in the relationship is everything.

Oh. Lucas again. This is my second time seeing you and I already can’t stand you. Did you fucking ask her who she was? Good thing you did that, so that you can already go the fuck home. I would send you home based on that alone. Broke down Alfred E Neuman looking fool.

43:45: So that’s all the guys. Let’s see what Rachel does as her first act of being a steak thrown to the lions.

Rachel looks stunning. And is completely relatable. She’s one of the most humanlike contestants who’s ever been on this show.

[Josiah steals Rachel while the other dudes sit around and bitch. Wow they should get married in those exact same outfits.]

To that one dude bitching: I’m sorry, WHO THE FUCK are you? “What’s the greatest case you’ve ever solved?” How dare you reduce this woman’s profession (and his, for that matter) to a fucking Sherlock Holmes novel. Have you ever MET a lawyer? They deal in other people’s misery, each and every single day. Cut this bitch.

Next we have the 90s called, they want their quip back guy: This ultimate douche says that he moved to LA for the beach. Can we cut him yet? He makes a joke about playing with sand and becoming an architect, when we know the best he could be is the shittiest civil engineer in San Antonio – which is probably the biggest insult I’ve typed so far.

Law student made this gal a draft card. Okay. That’s pretty cool.

48:33: Kenny’s review of AJ junior is spot on appropriate. This whole thing with the doll is really weird.

Next stop, the Colombian guy kisses Rachel in a beautiful stoop (or empty fountain?), and it’s super cute. I can see why he gets the first impression rose. By the way, mad props to the prop department for upgrading the rose plate to a beautiful slice of geo instead of some regular tea tray.

[Guys bitching about not getting time with Rachel ]

Some guy bitches that a penguin suit guy has had more time than him wearing a $2,000 suit. Guess who probably also has $2,000 suits for work? Rachel. Guess who’s already worn a penguin onesie on national tv? Rachel. See where I’m going with this, douche? Oh you’re in sales. So in other words, you don’t provide anything useful to anyone anywhere. Right.

This fucktard with the bullhorn – is he the nephew of a producer? Who let him on? Who is forcing Rachel to keep him? Is this the new bar that 2017 has set for us, that this kind of shit is acceptable?

[A bunch of forgettable scenes]

Kenny talking about his daughter is probably the cutest thing on this episode. By the way – fellas – Rachel’s father (THE JUDGE) will be seeing this someday, don’t fuck your chances by saying something stupid, illegal, immoral, etc.

[Enter the Rose Ceremony]

Peter is like, really pretty. All of these bow ties are amazing. Way to go, team of people approving these outfits.

A little disappointed in some of the fellows she sent home, but there could be many, many reasons. Maybe she’s dated a doctor before and she knows their hours would kill their relationship. Maybe Blake K reminds her of someone she doesn’t like. Blake K’s bowing out speech is was a respectable, graceful exit and one that should be emulated by anyone who’s just been broken up with. Class act.

Favorites this week: Josiah, Penguin Guy, DeMario, Blake K, Kenny

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